Awesome Ex-Roomie, Turkey Basters, Guitar Hero, Blowjobs and Donkey Kong. Not necessarily in that order.

Reasons why I love my Awesome Ex-Roomate #1
It is because I get emails like this.
I am going to collect all of the emails I have ever received from her and put them together in a coffee table book and call it
“Shit my Ex-roomie says which proves how awesome she is”.
Or I could just post them here for you all to enjoy for FREE.
Your welcome.

Characters:
Carolyn = Awesome Ex-Roomie,
Jezebel = Awesome ex-roomie,
Fred = ex-ex-roomie and ex(or maybe current->haven’t got the latest scoop) lover of Jezebel.

************************ Beginning of transmission

“i found out after an annoying phone call during my personal time, god dammit that comcast apparently bills from like the 15th to the 15th or something weird because they’re assholes and they like to confuse the masses and make us feel ignorant/mistaken about life-things so that they appear to have more power over us and take our money at unsuspecting times in the interest of world domination by way of ruined credit for the sake of delicious hbo series that suck us all in and we are utterly unable to resist (what will happen on true blood? yes, i will pay $500/mo to find out). i know we didn’t have hbo, but this thoery of course still applies because we watched family guy kind of a lot, which is similar in all the ways that matter (evil baby). there. i said it.

so it was like $87 ($29 each (Fred exempt)) for june 15th through july 15th. and then $IDK to get us service until august 1, at which time i told them to go fuck themselves with a turkey baster, bringing my customer service representative to tears, and us to a total of $ i guess 29 but i’m not really sure bc they’re saying they’re charging me a shit-ton bc i haven’t returned the equipment yet i think so i’ll let you know if i get upset and need additional money from you hos, which i think i will, but i cannot interpret this fucking bill.

so i guess 15th to 15th that means Fred paid us for 15 days of service he didn’t get, Jezebel, so i’ll buy him a drink, and if you’re the honest sort you could give him approximately $5, or do the math and figure out what the real number is (i don’t feel like it, simple as that. i don’t wanna) but a blowjob will probably suffice. i trust you to work out the details with him yourself. as much as i love being involved (and as involved as possible) in your personal life, blowjobs kind of sick me out, even in the abstract. so please keep your resulting arrangement to yourself. thank you. but if you work out something where he gets to, like, hit you in the face with waterballoons as payment, i’d not only like to hear about it, i’d like a video or a chance to be part of a live audience (participant? please? pretty please?). thank you again. wait he may not have overpaid. fuck. motherfuck. i just forgot he was gone for a month. maybe we’re good. copying him in case he wants to claim a blowjob anyway. (but i’m not buying you a drink anymore, Fred; i think my making this potentially happen for you is payment enough.)

electricity was $62.41 for June 6th through July 31st (20 dollars eighty cents and 0.3333333 infinity forever each (Fred exempt)) and i have nothing denigrating to say about seattle city light, becuase they allow me to play guitar hero with what they magically put through wall outlets with their mysterious divine powers, and i am only eternally grateful. i don’t care how they do it. it’s probably like the matrix where they run on comatose human forms, or baby dolphin eyeballs, but, like i said, they give the gift of not only guitar hero, but also lego batman, lego indiana jones, and lego star wars. i am not forgetting donkey kong, per se, but he’s not as good at solving riddles and mysteries, nor is he as cute when taking out bad guys. nor does he EXPLODE bad guys. he just kind of jumps around wildly, hoping for the best, and therefore does not get as prominent a place in my list of acknowledgements. but he’s a good guy. he saves his kids. NO WAIT HIS KIDS HAVE TO SAVE HIM. fuck him.

please give me money.

((((49.80 for girls)))) ((((and Fred gets blowjob maybe))))

*************************** end of transmission

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